Darling, don’t quit your daydream

I am a dreamer and a believer. Always have been and always will be. With every word I am typing, I am fulfilling my dream. The vision that I could write and share my thoughts with you still makes me quiver. It took a long road to get here but I have arrived. It did not happen overnight. I know no other way but to keep going.

I have been told that I am the shy one, with a quiet voice. Hm, hard to believe now. Words can be sharper than knives, they can carry heavy weight and suppress your hope and joy. They can sting and they can terminate your confidence. We all have heard some nasty phrases, those so called “facts” that have been downloaded deep into our consciousness. They left our hearts beat a bit faster to satisfy our thirst for love, left dry taste in our mouth and nervous tension in our belly. They made us grow up too fast.

I haven’t given up on belief and hope. Instinctively, deep down, I have always known there must be better and more in life and in me. I wanted to be a lover, not a fighter. I have had so much love to outpour, it hurt at times but I have fought a lot, no denial. I mostly fought myself. I have built an armor made of steel and ice. I hardened my heart and aimed to master and perfect all parts of me. It all felt like being landlocked. The downfall is, I have denied access to people who were coming in peace and with love. Most importantly, I have denied the access to MYSELF. The most important person I will ever have for me, my self study, my self growth. It is way too heavy price to pay and it is exhausting to keep it all together. No matter how much of the ugly and bad we want to escape from, locking it behind safe gates is not the way. That mud serves us so well, all of it. The old, the new, the ongoing. I choose to love the mud cause I get to sculpt my dreams and visions out of it as it would be a healing clay. I get to sculpt and create me. It is always near our reach, if we dare to lean and go in - inward, into the dark, into the beautiful, into the hidden, into the void. I love the sculpture I am creating, I adore the creation. I am still learning. I love it sincerely and genuinely. Again, and again, I choose to love it, love me. Every damn day onward.

May peace and calm fill your hearts, with love Alena